Let's get real for a minute

Last week Whit and I had a rough time with each other. He cried when I held him, he cried when I sat him down anywhere, he cried during diaper changes, he cried in the car, he cried during bottles. Nothing made him happy, and I was at my wits end. I never spoke harshly to him, though I wanted to. I would just mutter something to myself about how angry and annoyed I was. The worst part was I could imagine myself yelling at him or putting on the ground harder than necessary. Please understand I DID NOT DO THAT. But I could see myself doing it. I freaked out, calmed myself with Whit and made it until Ben got home.

That night and the next day I kept thinking that my temper is not normal, my thoughts are not right and that I need to find help. But I haven't really any idea on how to start. So, being the I so don't care what you think kind of gal I am, I posted my situation on Facebook and asked my friends if they had any advice. And it was like opening an emotional floodgate. A few moms commented on how they had issues with the baby blues or even full blown postpartum depression. A few people offered where I could start looking. A few friends reminded me that they themselves were therapists and I could call if I ever needed to. And a few people even said they were glad that I posted something like that, because it's disheartening to only see shiny, happy people on Facebook all the time.

The consensus was definitely: get help, do it now, and if they prescribe pills, take them.

Back in September during my follow ups, I was prescribed two things for what we thought might be PPD back then. Xanax for brief anxiety attacks and Zofran for the long term feelings. I tried the Xanax one night when I couldn't calm myself down, but then slept through Whit crying. No more of that. I thought about the Zoloft, but I just couldn't bear the thought of more pills. So I thought I would start exercising again and between that and going back on birth control would do it for me. And it did, for a while. Then Thanksgiving came, then Christmas. And I was feeling a lot of the nasty feelings during Christmas too, but I chalked it up to my husband working retail during Christmas always sucks. Then I had two baby showers to help with, then a nephew born. And now... nothing.

I can tell it's depression now for sure. The things that really made me stop and think were the bad day with Whit, and my appetite has been insane. I constantly think of eating, which has never been a problem for me before. I joked with Ben that maybe I was pregnant again, because it's the same kind of ravenous feeling.

Anyway, I've read a few blog posts and articles about people downing on Pinterest and blogger moms that seem to do it all, and how most moms feel this need to do everything. And after my Facebook post and the response I got, I just think we need to be a little more real. And I think I need to define why I have this blog to begin with. So in the next few days, I will have a why am I even doing this page, because my whole intent was to be real with myself and others about this journey. When I was pregnant all I would read about is these women that had no morning sickness, could still work out really hard, knit clothes AND still fit into their pre-pregnancy jeans 34 weeks in. And that was very much not the case for me, and it was tough finding other people that went through the same obstacles. It's a relief knowing someone else had some trials, that you're not the only person who's still trying to lose some of that weight, that other people have a hard time keeping a clean house!

So. I will make that page. I will get some help (in fact I got a recommendation for the therapist this afternoon from a friend) and tell you about it. And just for shits and giggles, I'm thinking of taking pictures of my house and posting them so you can see a what normal looks like around here, in case you're wondering.

Post-baby body blues

First, let me say I feel so much better than the scale would have you to believe. The other night I overheard part of this story on Nightline about celebrity moms affect the way we see ourselves and how we should look after having a baby. It wasn't anything new to me, but it felt so good to hear other moms talk about how they struggled with weight loss and accepting their post-baby bodies too. I knew there were other women out there struggling with the same things I'm beating myself up about every once in a while, but it was like I needed to be told right then that it's okay and that I'm on the right track with eating healthy and exercising and that I'm not alone. Something in the story that really struck home was the mom that when her son asked for a picture of the two of them together she started to say no because of how she looked, but then thought better of it. Lately I had been shying away from pictures of Whit and I together, not because of the weight, but I just look so tired and much older than I used to look. But then I remembered how annoyed I would get at my grandma when she wouldn't take pictures with me and how annoyed I get now at my mother-in-law about the same thing. So, I decided to get over it. My son doesn't give a shit what I look like! He will always love me for who I am, not how much I weigh. So...

Gosh, he's so adorable! And smart! This ended up being a pretty fun game. I had my iPhone camera turned so we could see ourselves and I would make a face, then he would try to copy it. Whit hasn't been a huge fan of mirrors (well, he would be except he loves the lights above them soooo much more), so this was a fun way to get him to notice himself and interact with me at the same time. 

Stress, stress, and more stress.

The past two weeks have been pretty close to a nightmare. I will say thank God Whit has been fine! He's the only one that's been fine lately and he really has been blessing for the rest of us to delight in while things got rough.

When they say "do this" they mean it, and more advice to ignore...

Woo, I had a rough weekend! I had been wondering what the baby blues were exactly and I got hit hard the past couple of days. One day (can't remember which now) it was so bad once Ben got home from work I handed him Whit, ate, and promptly took a shower and cried the whole time. Thankfully I feel much better today! I think it was a combination of not enough sleep, Ben being at work a lot right after paternity leave, one of our dogs, Foster, hurt his eye again and the vet bill was outrageous and there's a chance we may be moving again. Oh, and I can't figure out clothes right now. It was all just too much to deal with at once. So what have I learned?