I keep going back and forth between just wanting to hold on tightly to my son and cry and getting so angry about what happened today that I cry. I just can't imagine... anything. I can't imagine what goes on in a person's head that makes them kill a child. I can't imagine the pain those parents are going through right now. I can't imagine coming home and seeing wrapped presents under the tree that will never go to their intended recipient.
I have to admit something. For the past few years I've lived in fear of this happening to Ben. But it never occurred to me I should fear this way for Whit when he goes to school. But this is my *exact* fear: a crazy person gets a gun, walks into wherever Ben is and starts shooting. The worst part of my fear is that the shooter kills himself before he can be caught. Sigh. I'll be having nightmares again tonight.
Oh those poor people, I wish I could help them. Anything. This whole tragedy is leaving me with just an ache inside. So far Whit has woken up four times trying to go to sleep, and I'm kind of glad because it gives me another chance to hug him, look at him, smooth his hair down. Just to touch him and know that he's still there.
The part that makes me angry is that the next conversation is: how do we prevent this in the future? And inevitably there are people saying things like "gun control won't stop this" or "we should arm ourselves so we can take these nuts out." And to hear the White House Press Secretary say today's not the day to talk legislation? If a man kills 20 children in cold blood and it's still not the day to talk legislation, what the hell has to happen before it is the day?
And then there's people saying let's not talk about this today or on Facebook. Really? I am outraged there are people willing to accept a guy shooting 20 kids as just something that happens and thinking there's nothing we can do. That we shouldn't talk about it is insane! This country was founded on passionate ideas. If we're not passionate about things, then things will never change and this could easily happen again.
/soap box over
I think I'm going to peek in on my baby again and thank God he's alright.