Last week Whit and I had a rough time with each other. He cried when I held him, he cried when I sat him down anywhere, he cried during diaper changes, he cried in the car, he cried during bottles. Nothing made him happy, and I was at my wits end. I never spoke harshly to him, though I wanted to. I would just mutter something to myself about how angry and annoyed I was. The worst part was I could imagine myself yelling at him or putting on the ground harder than necessary. Please understand I DID NOT DO THAT. But I could see myself doing it. I freaked out, calmed myself with Whit and made it until Ben got home.
That night and the next day I kept thinking that my temper is not normal, my thoughts are not right and that I need to find help. But I haven't really any idea on how to start. So, being the I so don't care what you think kind of gal I am, I posted my situation on Facebook and asked my friends if they had any advice. And it was like opening an emotional floodgate. A few moms commented on how they had issues with the baby blues or even full blown postpartum depression. A few people offered where I could start looking. A few friends reminded me that they themselves were therapists and I could call if I ever needed to. And a few people even said they were glad that I posted something like that, because it's disheartening to only see shiny, happy people on Facebook all the time.
The consensus was definitely: get help, do it now, and if they prescribe pills, take them.
Back in September during my follow ups, I was prescribed two things for what we thought might be PPD back then. Xanax for brief anxiety attacks and Zofran for the long term feelings. I tried the Xanax one night when I couldn't calm myself down, but then slept through Whit crying. No more of that. I thought about the Zoloft, but I just couldn't bear the thought of more pills. So I thought I would start exercising again and between that and going back on birth control would do it for me. And it did, for a while. Then Thanksgiving came, then Christmas. And I was feeling a lot of the nasty feelings during Christmas too, but I chalked it up to my husband working retail during Christmas always sucks. Then I had two baby showers to help with, then a nephew born. And now... nothing.
I can tell it's depression now for sure. The things that really made me stop and think were the bad day with Whit, and my appetite has been insane. I constantly think of eating, which has never been a problem for me before. I joked with Ben that maybe I was pregnant again, because it's the same kind of ravenous feeling.
Anyway, I've read a few blog posts and articles about people downing on Pinterest and blogger moms that seem to do it all, and how most moms feel this need to do everything. And after my Facebook post and the response I got, I just think we need to be a little more real. And I think I need to define why I have this blog to begin with. So in the next few days, I will have a why am I even doing this page, because my whole intent was to be real with myself and others about this journey. When I was pregnant all I would read about is these women that had no morning sickness, could still work out really hard, knit clothes AND still fit into their pre-pregnancy jeans 34 weeks in. And that was very much not the case for me, and it was tough finding other people that went through the same obstacles. It's a relief knowing someone else had some trials, that you're not the only person who's still trying to lose some of that weight, that other people have a hard time keeping a clean house!
So. I will make that page. I will get some help (in fact I got a recommendation for the therapist this afternoon from a friend) and tell you about it. And just for shits and giggles, I'm thinking of taking pictures of my house and posting them so you can see a what normal looks like around here, in case you're wondering.